So I'll admit to turning on the ESPY's Sunday night because, well, I was curious to see how LeBron did as a host. Plus, it's always fun to see highlights of the season past again. I didn't give the TV my full 100% attention but I did catch the part where LeBron showed off his new baby son...and then dunked him.
What the hell was that? They showed LeBron backstage holding his son with (I'm presuming) his girlfriend and other friends/family around. Jimmy Kimmel was nagging him to bring out his son and show him off to the audience and you see LeBron leave the screen to come out. He steps onto the stage...and dunks his "son" wrapped in a blanket. Then he dropped this killer line, "Let's see Angelina Jolie adopt this baby."
Umm, yeah, what was the brain-trust that came up with this thinking?
Well we at ESPN gotta stay hip and current...LeBron just had a baby so let's include that, yeah that's good stuff. Ok...ummm...LeBron plays basketball so we can work that in somehow. Can he play basketball with his son? No no no, the baby's just a little thing, he's only about the size of a basketball. Wait...one...god...damn...minute.... He's the size of a basketball...LeBron can shoot him...well not the baby obviously, but what if we can make it look like he did. Wait no no, what if he misses, that'd be embarrassing. He can dunk it!!! BRILLIANT!!! Now we just need a killer line to bring down the house...kids, kids...Michael Jackson? No, he's not Now enough...What about a Dakota Fanning joke? No, she got raped in her last movie, child abuse=funny, rape=polite chuckles, c'mon keep up. Wait, what about Angelina Jolie! She's hot, she and Brad Pitt are so Now, and all she does is adopt kids. Fucking. Brilliant. Cheers! Man, we're as funny as...ummm...who's funny and Now? Dane fuckin' Cook. That dude is hilarious. We should team up with him and become the new Monty Python only without British accents or humor. After all, they made light of child abuse.
You're Killing Me Smalls.
I'm not going to bother with any uproar or anger people might have at the thought of pretending to be so abusive and callous towards a child, especially a baby. I've made my fair share, well more than my fair share, of child abuse/neglect jokes and will continue to do so. But my whole problem with this thing is it just wasn't funny or comical or anything other than dumb. Where is the humor or anything in dunking a "baby"? Shock value? The hoop on stage would have taken some of the shock away from the audience there and though the camera work tried to hide it from the TV audience you could tell something was amiss when LeBron walked out. Are we showing off that LeBron can dunk to the 3 people in America who might still wonder if he can or not? There was nothing spectacular in the dunk. There was no "wow" factor. I'm just so confused at this point. But there have been plenty of things in life that leave you confused up to the end then the punchline brings it all together. "Let's see Angelina Jolie try to adopt this baby." Again, WHAT?!?!? She adopts orphans first so unless you and your girlfriend plan on dying anytime soon that makes it difficult off the bat to adopt him whether you can dunk or not. Is it because you've killed your son by throwing him down from 10 feet up? "Oh haha, she can't adopt him if he's dead." And by the way LeBron, I know ya missed college and therefore your geography skills are probably lacking but you live in America big guy. She adopts 3rd world country kids. I know Cleveland sucks and the river burns but I still think Cambodia, the Sudan, Laos, or wherever else is a lot worse.
The ESPYs were ok. They were about what you could expect. For the most part LeBron did a nice job. But again, and the point of that was...?