Monday, July 2, 2007

European values kill more than just Jews

So obviously this news is a little old but Roger Goodell has pulled the plug on NFL Europa. Europe's version of the WNBA had been reduced to 5 teams and continued monetary losses with little to show in the way of developing NFL players. And while I never watched any NFL Europa games and certainly won't miss losing those 5 seconds of my life scrolling by them when selecting my team in Madden, I am incredibly sad to see it go. This means it will take even longer to get Europeans to love football (if ever) and it means Americans have to keep hearing about how great soccer is. I'm sorry Europe, Africa, Asia, and South America but soccer sucks. It's a nice novelty and change of pace every 4 years with the World Cup but get over it and yourselves. There have been encouraging signs like the rapid growth of baseball in Central/South America and Japan/Korea and the speed in which the Giants/Dolphins game sold out in London but the end of NFL Europa just goes to show you that Europe really does suck. So while Kissing Suzy Kolber has begun explaining football to the pussified countries of the international arena, it's time to look at the real root of the problem: Europeans thinks soccer is better than football, basketball, baseball, and sex combined.

You're killing me Europe.

Oh you silly Americans, you just don't get the nuances of "the beautiful game." Real football, or soccer as you peons across the Atlantic call it, is the most popular sport in the world for a reason. It is the great democratic game. It is not barbaric like your football or boring like your baseball. Soccer is a ballet, an opera on grass. There is nothing more beautiful than a well-timed cross for a header or the perfect through ball as the striker slips behind the defenders. And the World Cup draws more viewers than your pathetic Super Bowl. How can the rest of the world be wrong?

There is nothing beautiful about watching the best players in the world play scoreless for 2 hours then go to penalty shoot outs. About the only thing less appealing is the dive in the penalty box in extra time that leads to the penalty shot for the 1-0 victory. Soccer victory goes to the greatest floppers, period. So why does the rest of the world love this sport? Well, put simply, the rest of the world sucks. But let us delve deeper into that.

We can excuse much of Asia. East Asian countries (Japan, China, Vietnam, the Koreas, etc.) have taken a strong liking to baseball. Russia plays hockey, India and Pakistan play cricket, and the Middle East plays "kill the infidels."

Australia plays a lot of soccer but they more than make up for it with Australian Rules Football.

Africa, save for the random 7-footer who gets imported to play basketball because well he's a 7-footer, plays lot of soccer. But they're all going to die of AIDS in a few years so that problem will take care of itself.

Mexico on south lives and dies by soccer but, as the influx of Latin American talent and the World Baseball Classic can attest, baseball is a major influence as well so we can let them slide for now. Canada doesn't matter, they're not even a real country anyway.

Which leaves us with the great devil of the world: Europe. It wasn't bad enough that they brought slavery to the New World, caused two world wars and a holocaust, or make false claims in movies that France invented democracy and the blowjob (or think that throwing existentialism in makes existentialism matter). News flash France: the Greeks invented democracy and I'm sure it didn't take thousands of years of human existence to discover the blowjob(*edit* they didn't invent existentialism either). Anyway, in no particular order, the reason Europe sucks and sticks with soccer:

Britain: jealous America took rugby and cricket, decent sports, and made them awesome
France: limp wrists make blocking, tackling, pitching, shooting, basically anything involving the upper body, impossible
Germany: Jews and NFL: both make tons of money, both must die
Austria: All testosterone and manliness left with Ah-nuld
Italy: Would rather go to the Opera...pussies
Spain: Giving the defensive line the "ole," while crowd-pleasing, isn't very effective
Poland: Fought German tanks with cavalry in WWII, holding off on football until they find alternative to the leather helmet
Greece: Actual inventors of democracy stick with "democratic game" and boy fondling
Kosovo, Serbia, Bosnia & Herzegovina: racial cleansing is all the sport they need
Ukraine: the Ukraine is weak

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